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Issue: 12/10/2018

In her 200th column Lynda has chosen some of her favourite 
'Joking Asides' from the past'

Well groomed

[True story] 
When I was in my early 20's I had a mobile dog grooming business. 
One of my clients had two Springer Spaniels, which she regularly used to book in to be professionally 'done'. 
During one of my visits I happened to mention my Dobermann's coat loss, which was being unsuccessfully treated by my vet. She recommended her vet and, as he was a personal friend, said she would ring and discuss the possibility of him taking over the case. I duly went along for the appointment she had arranged. When I introduced myself the vet grinned and went a little red. Whilst examining my dog he enquired, "I hear you have an unusual job.... do you enjoy it?" "Yes" I replied, "especially now I visit clients in their own home - it's so much more personal." He looked both shocked and a little amused by this. "In fact", I continued, "could you put one of my cards on your notice-board?" He looked horrified and stuttered that it was unlikely that I would get any custom from his waiting room. Never the less I persevered, saying, "Well even if I only get one client it would be worth it." "NO NO" he said, "I really don't think this is a suitable place to advertise." I was really determined now and handed him one of my cards saying firmly "They're only small and wouldn't take up much room surely." "Oh" he exclaimed as he read the card, "You're a dog groomer!" and added involuntarily, "Mrs Healey said you were a stripper!
(S. Pennington, Ormskirk)
A true, but smelly, tale!!

Some time ago we had a rescue Cocker Spaniel called Ringo. This name dredged up memories of the Beatles and we could just imagine a canine character with lots of humour and a bit of a rebellious streak (which, for some reason, I seem to like in dogs). 
After some weeks of training and success at recall we took him to some woods nearby and let him loose. He came back promptly to recall, ignoring the rabbits, other dogs and deer tracks. I was pretty pleased with myself and was thinking how well I'd done for my first real attempt at 'proper' training as everyone agreed some untutored adult Spaniels could be quite tricky when it came to obedience lessons. Then came the fateful moment - Ringo disappeared through some gorse bushes and no amount of calling would bring him back. 
We searched for hours and eventually had to give up and go home. Once there we phoned police, dog warden, local radio and everyone we knew locally. After about 2 hours we received a call from a worried lady (who, by the way, lived 3 miles away) saying she'd got Ringo, but we'd have to come and fetch him quickly before her husband came home as it was his birthday and friends were due round that evening to celebrate. We promptly got in the car and drive round there to find Ringo tied to her washing line .. and he seemed to have changed colour. 
The lady explained that she had cooked a huge pot of curry for the party and left it in the out-house. Ringo had of course got to the party early and decided to test it!! 
We organised a take-away for 20 from the local Indian restaurant, then gratefully took a smelly, exhausted and bloated Ringo home for the first of many baths.
The end to the story is that the lady's husband, luckily, saw the funny side of things and afterwards often dropped off a tupperware bowl of curry especially for Ringo - and we, of course, just had to change the dog's name from Ringo to Pongo! 
(J. Douglas, Spalding)

Take them round?

On his first judging appointment the young man had a flatteringly large entry of Yorkshire Terriers and eagerly looked forward to the day of the show.
However, on arrival, he had such a bad attack of nerves that when he entered the ring he became so confused that he completely panicked and, instead of judging the dogs, he forgot all his training and experience and judged the boxes instead.
(B. Robson, Ashbourne)

Slip lead?

I took my 3 year old German Shepherd dog 'Chloe' down to the local park for her usual morning run. We had been going to training classes for a long time and the trainers almost despaired of Chloe as she was so mischievous and stubborn, but we persisted and I thought we were winning. 
Trying to control her on the lead was one of the worst jobs. On this particular morning it had been raining the night before and everything looked newly washed and bright. Chloe was full of energy. As I had still had trouble getting her to come back to me I kept her on the extending training lead. 
I walked along daydreaming while she sniffed around and I didn't notice for a moment that she had run behind me and the lead was wrapped around my hips. Just at that moment Chloe spotted a dog across the park and literally launched herself forward building up speed at an alarming rate. 
Too late, I realised what was happening and reached behind me to swap the lead into the other hand and try to avert disaster. 
At that point, with a sickening lurch, Chloe came to the end of the flexi-lead which, being wrapped around my body, SPUN me round like a top and then literally lifted me off my feet to fly gracefully through the air and land with a slithering crash on the wet grass. 
Unfortunately my embarrassment didn't end there because Chloe decided that nothing was going to stop her and she resumed her gallop dragging me flat on my face across the park. 
She didn't stop till she reached her destination. I struggled to my feet with cut and blackened knees, gasping for breath and furious with her for being so naughty. 
As I raised my eyes to scan the field I saw a couple of people who had seen the whole thing and were so helpless with laughter that they could hardly stand. I suddenly pictured what had happened and realised how funny it must have looked and in the end I just had to join in with the laughter. 
DOGS!! Who'd have 'em!!
(P. Waters, Shoeburyness)

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Make me.
Oh me, me!!! Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I please?
I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to verify that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Let the Labrador do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
No prob, Dude. I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Why change it? In the dark I can pee on the carpet.
While it's dark I'm going to creep up on the couch.
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.
It isn't moving.
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...
Light bulb? I'm sorry, I don't see a light bulb. Did one burn out?
(S. Barker, Scunthorpe)

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